


Melody of the heart

by Sashaya



Series: Soulsearchers [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, F/F, Happy Ending, Romance, Shepard has difficult life, Soulmates AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-14 13:35:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4566543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashaya/pseuds/Sashaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>There’s a song in the back of your mind the moment your soulmate is born. It’s a soft, eerie melody that grabs at your heart and makes you look and search and seek...</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Melody of the heart

**Author's Note:**

> _**Disclaimer:**_ _I don't own any of the characters._
> 
> I just want to warn you that I played only Mass Effect (1) and I still don't know ~~(anything)~~ much.

There’s a song in the back of your mind the moment your soulmate is born. It’s a soft, eerie melody that grabs at your heart and makes you look and search and seek. 

Your body is restless, your soul is in a constant need to move because somewhere there is your soulmate. The melody reaches its peak, when you find them, stand right in front of them, touch their skin and feel your souls connect. Again, after lifetimes of searching. Then, there’s no longer a melody in your head but peace that can never be forgotten. 

Shepard, well… She never was a special case – even before she could remember, before she could understand there was a soft, unknown melody surrounding her thoughts. For the longest time, there was no-one to explain that to her. For the longest time, Shepard thought she was mad, crazy, _loco_. 

It was only when she joined the Alliance that she finally understood, what that strange voice in her head meant. When the pretty Sin sat her down and explained everything calmly, in a way only Sin could. 

It was her soulmate’s call.

Shepard looked and waited for some kind of ‘it’s a joke!’ part. Nothing happened and Sin looked at her expectantly. Shepard pursed her lips, furrowed her brows and walked away quietly.

People leave. She won’t go looking for someone whose only purpose is to leave her again.

(She’s not bitter. She’s realistic. She’s the kid left in the dumpster that survived somehow, against all odds. People leave and they lie when they say their love you.)

Sometimes the song is getting stronger, like a sign that her soulmate might be close – not close enough to touch, but close enough for a destined meeting to finally happen.

Shepard steers away from these places whenever she can, lies to her comrades, twists her orders. People starts looking at her funny because sometimes, when the melody hits her harder, she jerks and changes all her plans.

She’s no longer subtle but she doesn’t care that much. Sin look at her with understanding in their eyes and never asks questions. Just follows.  
(Sometimes, when Shepard is drunk enough to let her anger and sadness out, she tells Sin how thankful she is. Sin never asks for explanation.)

Akuze happens and Shepard screams at Sin’s body because how could they leave her all alone?

Akuze happens and Shepard ignores the melody in her head, drinks until she can’t hear her soldiers scream for help. She drinks until she can’t see their corpses. She drinks and drinks and later the medic will say she was lucky not to die from alcohol poisoning. 

Shepard screams and cries – _how is this lucky?!_ – until they lock her down in the psych ward.

She’s gone after a month.

(She pretends the melody disappeared, along with Sin because only they could be her soulmate. She pretends she can’t see Sin anywhere she goes.

She’s good at pretending.)

 

There’s Normandy and new missions and Nihlus, who makes her laugh despite his best effort to be cold and professional. There’s Nihlus who sneaks into her quarters like a dirty secret that he kind of is. They never touch, never breach the line of their friendship and it makes them both happy. Shepard isn’t looking for anyone and Nihlus already found his soul. 

Around the crew they pretend not to know each other, like each other. He’s a Spectre, a turian. She’s human. There’s nothing else to say, not on a human ship. 

There’s Eden Prime and she can’t even mourn her friend, not when everyone is looking at her like she could snap because _alien technology connected with her brain_. 

Doctor Chakwas lets her hide in the back of her medbay and steers everyone away. 

Shepard doesn’t cry – maybe she forgot how – and lies wide awake, chases away her ghosts. 

She squares her shoulders and straightens her back and calls Nihlus’ home. Captain Anderson doesn’t question her.

Casvus is Nihlus husband of 11 years and there’s a swarm of turian children (adopted, she knows, Nihlus could never shut up about his family). They cry and Shepard’s voice gets stuck in her throat and she keeps apologizing, keeps regretting that she’s not religious because at least then she would know what to tell them. 

Casvus says his goodbye and she promises to ship Nihlus body home. That’s what he deserves. 

 

She still can’t sleep.

Everything becomes a whirlwind of action, chaos that Shepard connects only to war, battle, death. The Citadel leaves a bitter aftertaste in her mouth, corruption, politics blocking every step and her hand twitches. She wants to leave. 

At least she can go a bit trigger-happy with the way crime blooms under the C-Sec noses. 

There’s Garrus and for a second the melody – long forgotten, ignored – picks up and Shepard thinks _what if_ this one is a part of her soul. Garrus fights by her side and snarks, teases her and jokes with Kaidan. 

Nothing changes.

He’s not her soulmate but maybe that’s better.

He’s still pure.

 

(She still wakes up at night, soaked in her own sweat, wishing she died on Akuze.)

 

Tali is… she just is. Shepard looks at her and she feels. It feels a bit like Nihlus’ love towards his family. Shepard doesn’t care, doesn’t analyze it.

She just knows it will hurt when Tali gets back home. Because people always leave. 

At least, Shepard can promise she will help Tali stay alive. 

 

Wrex humor is dry, he’s sharp and unapologetic and it makes Shepard smile. He’s different, she can’t compare him to anything and anyone because he’s special, there’s nothing ordinary about him. She never met anyone like him.

Wrex saw things, things deep and dark and Shepard can relax by his side. She’s not afraid of tainting him. 

You can’t break something that’s already broken and they become the best friends. 

(No-one understands and that makes them smile, smile with too much, too sharp teeth. It’s refreshing.)

 

Shepard dreams of Saren’s broken body by her feet, dreams of his last breath. Shepard dreams of seeing Nihlus and telling him that he can now rest. 

 

Sometimes Wrex leaves her quarters, where the ship is already awake and it’s nothing like with Nihlus, when they both hid and pretended. Wrex doesn’t care, it amuses him the way rumors fly and Kaidan glares at him.

Shepard listens to the rumors and laughs until she cries. 

It’s beautiful.

 

There’s a dig site on Therum, where Benezia’s daughter seeks the Protheans’ secrets. 

The melody is loud in her head, it sings to the beating of her heart and…

Liara looks at her and she knows. 

It’s later, way later, when the geths are nothing but a pile of crap, Saren is dead and Reapers are not a threat now. 

Liara walks to Shepard slowly, like she’s afraid the Commander will run away.

(The thought lingers in Shepard’s mind but she stands her ground. No more running.)

Liara touches her hand lightly and she sees something in Shepard’s eyes that she takes for consent. Liara’s smile blooms slowly, like she can’t believe and there’s quiet and peace in Shepard’s mind. 

Liara’s touch feels like everything is finally right in the world. Like Sin and Nihlus and everyone Shepard lost before are ready to leave. Like Shepard can finally live. 

“There’s been nothing but emptiness in my heart for a 70 years” Liara says. “And I have lost hope and even my Mother couldn’t fix me”

Liara closes her eyes and leans her forehead on Shepard’s. 

“One day the melody started, a beautiful sad song about longing and need and I knew my soulmate was out there, waiting for me. But you never looked for me” it doesn’t sound like an accusation and Shepard doesn’t see it as one.

“People leave” Shepard says. She still have tattoos from her gang days, days she’s not ashamed of, days Wrex knows everything about because only he doesn’t question her _how could she_? She still dreams of Sin, Nihlus and everything between. “People lie”

“I wish I could lie to you” Liara says. “Lie that I will never leave you but I can’t promise you this. And you wouldn’t even believe me, because lies don’t reach you anymore” Liara smiles. 

“You’re a beautiful broken soldier and tell me, is there a place for me by your side?”

“Yes” Shepard was never a poet but it’s the most beautiful answer.

There aren’t any promises lying between them and Shepard grabs Liara’s hand and squeezes. 

It’s her peace in this war.


End file.
